For the record the weather sucks ass

That's about all I have to say.

100 degress? In western washington? Is bullshit.

Especially when it's only June.

We've already had a good half dozen of those kinds of days this month.

Fuck. that. shit.

I have even been up and about and out and around in this weather and productive but today? All fuel has been used up. My resources are tapped out. I hate this shit.

And it's really not supposed to cool down much for a few days yet.

Stupid fucking hell hell.

~M

Fuck 430.

Um.

Hi.

That is the hour I woke up because Lily would NOT stop squirming.

I probably woke at 4a but I REFUSED to look at a clock.

By 430 I yelled for Josh who offered to swap kids because Liam was knocked out to the world and Lily might have wanted a change of scenery. Who knew. All I knew is that I was still tiiiiiired and there was a slight chance I might fall back asleep. Though 4am is my witching hour where I can no longer sleep if I wake up. Though lately, with as tired as I've been, I've overcome this.

Liam, clearly, didn't want a change of scenery and used my climbing into bed as an excuse to be all out of sorts about 15 minutes after I got comfy and juuuuuust about to go to sleep. Then my tummy started acting up. And consider it done. *sigh*

Don't worry Lily refused to go back to sleep. and when I got up to go to the bathroom? Liam followed wailing all the way.

Josh has 2 kids snuggled with him on the couch. And a cat. And they are all watching backyardigans. he all but begged me to go back to sleep but I'm wiiiide awake. It doesn't help that it's fucking light out already. WTF is up with light at 430? Screw it.

Today we have another busy day. Last night was TONS of fun. Liam did so well which, of course, made me do quite well too. And the mamas we met up with? Make me wonder why we haven't bothered meeting up before now since all of us but one are within 40 miles of each other.

Josh just tried to get up from my kids. Who actually are allowing it and now sitting by each other like mini backyardigans zombies. HE is going to go lay down like he demanded I do. *sigh* And the fucker will fall back asleep without fail.

Good thing he's the one driving into Seattle today. No way is my brain going to function well enough to do that. Especially not when the ass hole weather is supposed to be over ninety fucking degrees.

You'd better pray the science center is air conditioned. Otherwise I sense the day coming to a very abrupt end where I demand Josh drive us around (in our 3 cent less a gallon gas! WOO HOO!) so we can bask in the AC.

Of course, Jena has ac too. Poor thing. She should've thought before befriending me to not tell me such a thing existed because I'm quite afraid that she is going to be sick of me before summer is out (right. but all the non a/c days she ends up with me were not get sick worthy? please. she was having withdrawls this week. lol.)

Okay. Clearly getting loopy. I should upload the pics from last night. Dear cod was the amount of adorable kids in super overload. I wanted to steal them all and bring them home with me. Though somehow I'm pretty sure myself and 9 kids? Might be a bit of a challenge.

Especially at 505a as my son starts whining because Little Cat is blocking his tv.

Oh yes. I think I'll just keep my 2. And maybe do a kidswap occasionally to test out the others. No one tell their mamas that my kids are up at the asscrack of dawn. That'll just be our little surprise!

~M

Busy be my middle name foo!

Oh yes. Busy busy. Sick kidfolk are slowly starting to act like themselves. At least there is no more green ooze. All clear goo now. And eyes and ears have stopped secreting nastiness. They are sleeping like they usually do (meaning only one or two wakings and almost instantly back down) and I'm starting to feel human again.

Have a friend up visiting from Utah which has been tons of fun. Showed her "MY" mall that i frequent far too often (AND! Got Liam $3 shoes! Children's Place Outlet people!!!) then had a great dinner at the park with the 3 J folk as well.

Today and tomorrow are busy with 2 therapies today, then dinner at another girl from our birth board's place tonight. Tomorrow there's a great deal at the local science center that gets us in early and cheap thanks to a local autism facility. Then we'll be heading to another girl from the birth board's place for more hanging out. It should be fun, and exhausting. Especially when you factor in the 90 degree weather they are threatening (UGH!!)

Best news of the week? Jena the amazing secured one of the most FABULOUS restaurants around here to do a fundraising night for us! 20% of sales come back to us. And the food? Ridiculously yummy. If you are local? Email me. You KNOW you wanna come! I am so thrilled with this place agreeing to this. Our 'first choice' was a smaller local place that we thought was a shoo in. This place? Mmmmm. Just mmmmm. I love them both but this one is the gussier one (though I have always gone in wearing jeans but still. lol.) I am so fucking excited to eat there. Not to mention raise money. lol.

That's about it from here. Liam had some great therapy yesterday and really seems to understand a LOT more words than he speaks as he's proven during our "point to x" in a book. Of course this backfires when she said point to horse and one page has a horse and the other a frog and he goes "FROG" and points to frog instead. :) Then we have to point him to horse when, clearly, the right answer is frog dammit screw pointing to horses.

My kid are amazing.

Also amazing? My husband has the next 4 days off. I anticipate lots and lots of gogogo then just ENJOYING him being here. All this OT has been a total PITA for me.

I cannot believe it's almost July. GAH!!

~M

Signs you are losing it and your husband's gonna de.

Oh. he's so dead.

I was about to cry about what a crappy mom I feel like today as I'm about to lose my fucking mind. I'm wearing a shirt that has a giant grease stain and I don't care.I haven't showered. Not sure if I will brush my teeth.

Liam is jumping on the couch with joy now that I made daddy come home early for lunch. Lily is happily watching tv after screaming bloody murder because I puto n the wrong program.

Josh was being an ass and trying to make me 'laugh' during my cryfest and told me I was the 2nd best mom he knows.

I KNEW what he was going to say. And I warned him not to talk again or his life was over. I grabbed a full pack of baby wipes and threatened to throw them at him. Hard. He started laughing. And laughing. And told me there were so many better moms than me to choose from. I told him to choose his words wisely because he was really on thin ice. He laughed harder. Then he told me that next time I feel overwhelmed with the kids I could just call his mom to help! She'd be perfect.

I then threw the baby wipes and screamed "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH ALL KINDS OF DEATH!"

Um. Yeah. That? Not intimidating. Josh laughed until he nearly peed. He started making comments about how that will be his new myspace one liner. How I was quoteworthy. Like Churchill and Spock (yes, SPOCK people.) He started quoting shit. Then told me we HAD to go to Sam's Club?

Why? So I could get the variety pack of death to kill him with all kinds of.

Oh my husband. He is so so funny.

I will now shoot daggers at him as he packs my diaper bag for the kids. He keeps looking back shaking his head about to make a comment that will get him all kinds of death.

Oh he's lucky I love him.

He just told me that he should do that often because he can actually feel an ab under his belly. Go him.

I need to brush my teeth. And get ready to go to Liam's therapy. Which should be hell plus eleven.

Wish me luck. Liam is being super cute right now and Lily is eating a spoon.

And Josh is washing the shaker for formula like a good husband.

Guess I shan't kill anyone with any kind of death. For now.

~M

I am THISCLOSE to losing my mind

Holy sick kid shit hell pisser fuck.

Liam is in the bath screaming now.

Lily finally stopped screaming.

Liam keeps grabbing me, pulling me to the door and yelling "GO!" as clearly he doesn't feel like staying home.

Except he's in no position to go anywhere as he's tempermental, irritable, buttheadish, whiney, uncomfortable, and just uncooperative. As is his sister. And I'm not in the mood to combat them both.

Now Lily is over here whining at me.

OMFG I have no whining tolerance> I am the worst mom ever! Of course a week straight of whining and hanging on me might have something to do with it.

I wish my babies would just get healthy. For them AND for me.

I'm pretty sure Lily shit too. Oh happy day.

I think I'm taking Liam to feedingg therapy even though it'll be hell because, ya know what? Staying home is ever worse I think.

~M

A quick update in numbers....

3 weeks: the length of time I've been sick.

1 1/2 weeks: the length of time my kiddos have been sick.

8 bazillion: the number of therapy sessions missed because of sickness between one of the three of us.

1: the number of birthday parties we missed because of sick kiddos (and i am very. very. unhappy as it is lily's first girlfriend's birthday! *sob*)

33: the pounds Liam weighs right now. still down 2 pounds from this fall.

21: the pounds Lily weighs. with a full ass diaper and clothes. (that child? is small)

2: the number of urgent care appointments in as many days.

1: nasty cold turned double ear infection.

1: nasty cold turned sinus infection from hell.

2: kiddos on antibiotics

2: parents exhausted to the core

2: number of consecutive hours sleep I've gotten at most in the last half dozen days

68: dollars spent on meds and copays

0: dollars I had to spend on that.

3 hours: roundtrip to the urgent care by myself tonight

1: the number of hours waiting in the fucking exam room with no one coming in trying to entertain a very pissy baby who kept trying to fall asleep but couldn't

10 seconds: the amount of time it took Lily to get totally freaked the fuck out by the dr and piss all over me and the ergo I had her in (thank cod for that sucker it's the ONLY reason we survived tonight. i'm certain.)

three zillion: the amount of glad I am I took my kiddos in to be checked out even though it was hell and I'm tired i knew they were REALLY sick not just NORMAL sick and even though I'm not a fan of antibiotics unless TOTALLY necessary I definitely feel 100% happy with using them this time around (even though I am 0% happy with the poop that follows)

2 minutes: the length of time before I collapse in bed

50%: probability that I take Liam to therapy tomorrow even though he's missed so much in the last week it infuriates me. I HATE MY KIDS BEING SICK.

12: hours until I post pics of the last few days adventures. it certainly has been...interesting.

let's hope the antibiotics kick in soon because fuck do i miss sleep. even their usual interrupted sleep isn't as hellacious as this.

~M

Reasons why Liam and Lily are the loves of my life.

Okay. Lily gets a brief mention though it's huge. FINALLY, after 14 months, this child has started sleeping through the night. And fairly consistently too! In fact she went to sleep around 1030 last night and is still totally zonked out. With NO waking up last night that needed mama. Holy. Hell happy.

And Liam? Fuck almighty I love him. He was sleeping in the bed when Josh left. I got up and was checking on him often since we finally moved the bed back into the bedroom except now it's up on bed risers meaning Liam would have quite a fall if he turned into clutzo.

One of the times I go in there I hear him talking. So I crawl into bed and he rolls over, looks at me, smiles, and goes "Hi!"

Talk about make me happy in the heart. I told him hi and gave him kisses and then we 'talked' for a while. He was very chatty but, thankfully, didn't mind that i had no idea what language he was speaking (I'm thinking klingon again.)

He has a new favorite song. The wheels on the bus. We did it at school last month and while the 'transportation theme' is over? Liam is SO not over that song. AND? He's started making requests for it. AND? He now does all the hand motions himself without my helping. This is super huge. We use it for EVERYTHING. I got him to PAINT for 5 minutes (sensory HELL for this child) by singing the song.

Yesterday during circle time he even tried to sing it! And did the hand motions for it. Poor Liam it was not wheels on the bus day though his teacher promises he can have it Friday. :) I love how he does the 'all through the town' which is supposed to be your hands up in a point like a roof after waving your hands around in front of you like you're driving on a road. Liam kind of claps his hands together and snakes them.

I got it on video. Though he was tired and not fully there it's still WAY too cute not to share. I love this child on so many bagels it hurts. And yes, you have to click the link because blogger is being a bug.

Wheels on the Bus Video

I also love his sister. Who is still sleeping despite the fact that Liam's therapist will be here in 20 minutes (oh! And I'm not cleaning up for her either! I ROCK!) She's such a goo.

~M

Nothing new but meds and thyroids

Bah. Humbug.

Things are okay. I'm over at Jena's babysitting Joseph while she goes to a meeting. Poor guy fell asleep on the floor the MINUTE she left. So we switched up the night a bit and he got the longest bath ever, followed by eating sweet potatoes faster than, erm, Lily. Now he's chilling with a bottle and backyardigans and life is good. My kidfolks are chowing veggie booty and hanging around as well. It's lovely.

Today I had to get my meds refilled and have my thyroid tested. My psych wanted to check since I had such a random flip out that it could easily be thyroid related as meds don't usually stop working so significantly.

What do you know. My levels are low. Well, no, wait, technically they are 'normal' by the new standards. New standards are .3-3 for tsh. (I'm still waiting for my other results. I know she did a T4 at least. I forgot to ask. Well, I double checked after seeing my tsh but still. That was email. About 10 minutes ago. And she's, ya know, at home not checking email from me.)

Anyhow my tsh is hanging at .302 Now this is significantly better than the "holy shit we cannot even measure it" right when I got pregnant with Lily (which was, most likely, caused by, ya know, being pregnant with Lily!) However it's not within the old normal of .5-5 which was my lab's way of measuring as recently as this last summer when I had my last test (where i scored an astonishing .61) where they deemed me "absolutely no issue all related to pregnancy you are cuuuuuuured" and we went on with happy pills and on my merry way.

Except I'm starting to suspect, once more, that it's not that simple and thyroid monster is back to contend with. Or perhaps never left. Shall i remind you of what the symptoms are? Those in bold are those which apply to me!

Palpitations
Heat intolerance
Nervousness
Insomnia
Breathlessness
Increased bowel movements
Light or absent menstrual periods
Fatigue

Fast heart rate
Trembling hands
Weight loss
Muscle weakness
Warm moist skin
Hair loss
Staring gaze

Yeah. Time to start monitoring that again. Get in with an endo. try not to lose my freaking mind because we know this is not a quick nor easy process. Back when I was pregnant it was a 3 month wait and I was considered a priority patient. *sigh* Consider me getting seen to be this side of never IF I can get seen. most likely I'll have to go through another 3-6 months of monitoring my thyroid levels to see what they do. Then set up an appointment. Not that I'll settle for that. But I'm sure that will be the recommendation.

then I put in my request for my med refill. I'm currently taking 30 mg of citalopram. I achieve this dose by taking 1.5 pills which are 20mg each. Meaning I get 45 pills of 20 mg each a month. We are discussing the possibility of upping me to 40 mg-but keeping it with the 20mg pills in case we do not sort of thing. I'm divided on whether or not to up my meds.

Fuck. I need to make an appointment for my female type business. *siiiiiigh* I haven't had one since my 6 week pp appointment with Lily. Which was over a year ago now. Blech.

I dunno. Where was I. Oh, yeah, the pharmacy gave me 40mg pills. And 45 of them. Directing me to take 1.5 of THOSE a day. Um, hey fuckers...that's double my dose. If I were a moron? Or if the 40mg pills weren't SERIOUSLY different than the 20 mg pills? I could've totally been in a very very uncomfortable situation with side effects you big fat fuck wads.

Very annoying. Thankfully my psych noticed this when the notification of refill came through her desk. Unfortunately I'd already gone and picked them up. AND they may not waive my copay even though it was their fuck up because I took the pills. though the gal from my psych office did tell me to fight it and if they DONT to submit it anyway to be reimbursed.

Anyhow. That's the extend of excitement around here. My toe is getting better. I have fun fun plans next weekend with my girlfriend coming into town. I'm exhausted all the damn time. Liam's been doing amazing in class lately. I'm trying to get video of him doing the wheels on the bus because, honestly? It might be the greatest thing EVER. And Lily? My poor goo is sick and was miserable and sad and sleepy all day yesterday but she's much much better and back to her buttheadtacular self. Just the way I like her.

~M

The day I decapitated my toe. Or almost.

Um. Yeah.

Yesterday was a good day. Josh had to work an hour away (yeah overtime. *snort* too bad it's not fun money. *sigh*) the kids were good and I'd arranged to kick it with my homies, yo. Task numero uno? Garage saleing.

The garage sale extravaganza was, um, well, next week we'll plan better and start earlier. We did kick serious ass on purchases though AND I got Liam a shitton of doll house stuff and two small doll houses to play in. Which is his current favorite activity of all time at therapy. Not to mention we managed to find some great stuff for one of hte moms in our sons class who is fostering a little girl right now and needs tons of stuff for her. Yeah!

Afterwards we go back to her house to wait for my husband to get off work so we can shove our faces full of food. Each kid shits, which is super kind of them. I go to take my kids diapers out to the garage, stop as I'm opening the door to ask if anyone needs anything, and continue to open the door. The door with a metal bottom. With my bare feet. With my left foot poised just so the corner of this door can enthusiastically ram itself into my foot.

I dropped the diapers. Hobbled into the bathroom and sputtered something suggesting someone come assist me.

At first I thought maybe I'd torn some of my toe nail off. The nail polish was chipped. Then I realized my toe nails were already pretty short (note to folks: wear your toenails as talons. you may save yourself from this fate!). I saw that there was some blood at the top of the toe. I threw my leg onto the sink to examine it closer (I know, did you realize I was that flexible? I so am! Go me!) and saw that it didn't look like a simple cut. And it was bleeding a fair amount though not gushing just yet.

Jena asked if she was going to throw up. I told her no. After all I was in shock. The natural endorphins wooshing through my body. Heck it didn't even hurt! Wow! I must not be in too much pain.

She called her husband for a second opinion. Wondering if I should go get stitches as it's gnarly. He says no then shoves my foot under some running water at which point I manage to shriek as suddenly? I can feel it again. Holy hell fuck.

Dermaplast, neosporin, waterproof bandaid, and a pound of tape later my toe was fixed. And I was on a chair with my foot in the air watching it involuntarily twitch as I tried not to barf at the concept of my fucking toe twitching. Not just pulsating to a beat. No no. Twitching like I'd cut it off and throw it on the road and it was feeling frisky still.

Yeah. I haven't taken off my bandages yet today. I'll need to soon to take a shower. We have a birthday party to go to that I'm not looking forward too. I also started my ccle and my cramps in my back are killing me. Plus I cannot wear regular shoes right now because holy hell. And I only own one pair of flip flops and they are dressier. Thank cod they are not heels but still. And my other sandals hurt my toe still.

So yeah. I tried to decapitate my toe yesterday. That? Was so not the highlight. Also? I woke up at 6am again. Fucking internal body clock bastard. Husband and both kids still snuggled up on the bed together loving on happy daddy's day goodness. Oh! I should put together his gift now. DUH. Dumbass.

xoxo, M

An easy way to bring out my angry side....

So we went to the museum of flight last night. It was free entry night and figured even if it were a bust it was free. Besides I LOVE airplanes. Like they make me giddy and all childish to see them up close and shit. It's one of those THINGS.

The evening went okay. Liam wanted to run and nearly went down some stairs by himself causing me to move faster than I have in years. There was more than one group of annoying families who I wanted to kick in the shins. But there was also tons of cool stuff to see and tons of pics to take and yeah it was fabulous.

Until we were getting ready to leave. Liam was on his monkey backpack leash so he could wander. Some of the planes were surrounded by a 6 inch border to keep you out. For some reason my 2 year old did NOT care about these keep out areas and REALLY wanted to get in. To the point he was on the ground stretching as far as he could while I held the leash tight (probably uncomfortable!) telling him "That is an owie. We cannot go in there. It's not safe." He went into full out tantrum as he was tired and I let him lay with his head on the guard area and ignored it. Meanwhile watching him and holding onto the backpack. I don't have the physical means to compete with his tantrums and, honestly? I don't feed into them. They pass a lot faster that way.

All of a sudden I see this total dorktacular power trip fiending super bad hair having twerp of a 'security' guard come over and lean over to Liam and in a RIDICULOUSLY stern voice say "HEY! You cannot go in there! You need to get out of there! Stop that!"

Oh! HELLLLLLL no. It took about 2 seconds for this to process before the idea of kicking this idiot in his dick came across my mind.

"EXCUSE ME?" I said and he looked up, his Donald Trump wanna be coif flapping around, "He is 2. He's autistic. He has no idea what you're talking about. I have him so he cannot get over you don't need to talk to him like that."

Dude looked me up and down in a "fuck you I'm the authority control your kid" kinda way and walked away. Oh I was steaming mad. The rest of the group met up with us and we started to leave when I decided fuck it. I was really pissed. He had NO right to talk to my kid. Not to mention my child was completely under control. Oh he was whining but he was contained. Talk to ME if my 2 year old is doing something wrong. Autistm or not. Fuck you.

So I go over to 2 people manning an entry booth. They tell me they are sorry but neither seems to 'get' what the big problem is. The older gentleman suggests that a lot of people who work there are volunteers and perhaps he was a little more crabby than he should be. The younger girl suggests he was a young guy without kids. I told them I didn't care which. I really didn't feel it was there place to speak to my child that way and if there was an issue to talk to me. If Liam had been INSIDE the area or had no parent ATTACHED to him, certainly, I could understand. but to do it as a power trip? Fuck off.

They thanked me for letting them know. I'll be emailing the museum themselves as I'm really super grumpy still. Clearly.

Of course the best way to get out of grumpy? Make sure you're out with Jena and Joe where Joe will then do his giant ape impression followed by his gay boy impression and grab your hand. Causing my husband to do his "i'm a monkey humping my wife's ass" impression and it all goes straight to hell.

Hey. At least it got me out of that mood. for then. ;)

~M

Hard but I did it!!!

Made it through the morning just fine!

Aside from first thing when I felt the hot flashes I've been pretty okay.

Had some significant dizziness but thinking it's more related to holding my breath.

Got through Liam's at home visit with almost no problem. I wasn't 100% my usual but we did it. And while I had a VERY bad dizzy spell at one point I reminded myself I could take extra medication if I needed it (truth be told I am due for it right now) and that I was safe, the kids were safe, and this was temporary.

I don't like the dizziness. I don't like how tired I am. Both of these are because I got up at 5 in the fuck hell morning again.

But I feel QUITE empowered right now. No, not back to 100%. But way better than any other day. And each day hereonout will be better too. Definitely.

Just keep swimming.

~M

I'm not alone....but I hate that.

It's strange.

The comfort I get from being told normally "you are not alone! I'm there too! I totally understand!"

Anxiety? Panic? Depression? These are things I almost wish I WERE alone in.

Oh, sure, it helps a bit to know it's not just ME who is having some isolated strange and frightening thing happening too. But knowing it's happening to some of the people I love the most? Horrifies me.

But also centers me. Because these are some of the people I admire the most in the world. Who keep swimming every day. Who manage to get through even to the point that no one could tell (which isn't always a positive thing but it means they are working through it which rocks!)

I woke up this morning with my hot flashes from hell. I forced myself to lay in bed for an extra 20 minutes. I got up and went to the bathroom and was okay! I debated throwing up because it's quite the anxiety release but I realized that it's a pattern that is too dangerous to move around with and should only be used in extreme situations. By not allowing myself to throw up *I* am in control of the anxiety. Even if it's a struggle because emptying my tummy would feel grand.

I'm a bit anxious about Josh leaving for work. I know we'll be fine. I know I Just don't feel great right now. It's like a cold. Not comfortable. But not impossible. I've worked through it every. oother. day. I will do it now too! I have enough distractions around. I will not pause long enough to worry.

I'm talking big brave talk but the more you say it th emore likely it is to occur.

I will take a shower in a bit. A LONG shower. The kind of shower I don't get to do when it's just the kids and I home.

This cough is really bothering me as the amount of snot I'm swallowing is really upping the please barf mode.

Had strange strange dreams last night. Cannot remember them now and that's fine.

Need to grab some ginger ale and start my day. Can I do it? YES I CAN!

~M

Just keep swimming

*sigh*

I made it through the day okay.

Another rough start. I ended up over at Jena's this morning just in case I felt anxious. Which I did. I got up at 5am again which isn't working in my favor. Tomorrow we have therapy at the house and then out of the house therapy afterwards.

I've been okay. I will be okay. it's just starting the dayf ull of anxiety.

And today I'm a weeping willow.

Saw my psych who's certain this was just a blip in the day. Just a random deal that happened because of anxiety about other things. That I'll come outo f it no problem. I just have to be gentle on myself. If not she'll suggest upping my meds again. I've just hit the low end of therapeutic dose. Long ways away from the top end. Another bump isn't consideried unbelievable thoughs he feels if I've done SO WELL before...it's probably not a necessity.

We'll also recheck my thyroid just in case it flreaked out to cause me to go weirdo.

I'm tired. I'm so so tired.

I will get through. I always do and always will.

I just hope it's sooner rather than later. It's easy for me to be brave when around my 'safe' people in addition to my kidfolk.

I was fine before. I'll be fine again. Putting on my brave face. This is just a blip.

~M

Right now I claim victory.

I woke up with no vomit/hot flashes/run away vibe.

I did wake up nervous...but I have an appointment with the school district today over Liam's transitioning there this fall so that's expected. And it's not uncomfortable. It's standard.

Tomorrow will be the bigger test as it's my first day alone. But this morning? I am happy. Times 8 million. I don't feel 100%. I'm still a little edgy...but I didn't wake in a panic and that starts my day off SUPER fabulous! :)

~M

The mornings are the suckiest

Dunno why.

I wake up and within minutes I'm having hot flashes and icky stomach.

Do lots of deep breathing and repeating to myself that this is just an uncomfortable sensation and it will pass.

Go to the bathroom which, now, makes me super anxious (sort of inconvenient, no?)

Try to go back to sleep but laying down makes me feel more anxious and I notice myself breathing heavily.

Decide to come on computer. Check email. Suddenly have to shit NOW. Run to bathroom. Barely make it. Oh fun. I *heart* IBS.

Everyone else is still asleep. I'm out here. A little anxious-ish. I know I'll be fine today. josh has the day off again. Just one therapy appointment. We'll be good to go.

I hate these "uncomfortable sensations" they're a really shitty start to my day. And they sort of linger in maybe zone most of the day from thereon out.

Just when you think you've got things figured out...it all ups and changes and makes just plain sanity a difficult thing to attain.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

~M

Just wait until you see the pictures.

I'm pretty sure I've officially won all kinds of awards for the $60 I spent today.

We went garage saleing.

I felt good at the first place I purchased from having got another set of graters for my favorite ikea grating box things plus a dress plus a shirt for Lily for $1.

I felt pretty damn talented paying $15 (oh the lady was not impressed as she tallied my total to $16.25 and I asked if she'd take $15 *snort*) for a pair of sweats, a pair of jeans, a pair of overalls for Liam. Two kids books. A huge bag of play power tools. A pair of jeans, and three shirts for Lily. Oh. A windbreaker for Liam too. And a portable highchair (attach to chair style) that really is portable and compact and FABULOUS.

I felt AMAZING going to this prissy neighborhood and spending $3 to get a pair of jeans for Liam, a dress for Lily, 2 onesies for her (bt like clothing onesies), 3 one piece footless sleeper type things for Lily, and, um, 10 items total anyhow.

But the real talent of all talents?

Was going to a garage sale and spending $1.50 on a barking dog puppet for Liam PLUS a chicken beanie baby. Then going next door? And giving the last $42 to my name? For an eddie bauer double stroller. Plus two random toy things (including Jaws. I promise a video of Jaws Liam is in LOVE) from that lady.

The best part was getting it all home. Lets just say Josh? Was REALLY cozy with that stroller.

I am the bargain shopper of all bargain shoppers. I do, however, have to promise to sell my sit and stand stroller. It's only fair. And only logical given the fact that two double strollers, even if differently fabulous, is not really practical.

Oh but watching us get both of them home? INCREDIBLY comical!

xoxo, M

the truth

I could give you the sugar coated version where I tell you each day is a little better.

And the truth is it is.

Somehow I don' care though.

Waking up every morning fighting the fight or flight panic in my gut is stressful. Working on my breathing. Wanting to 'run away from home' (taking my husband and kids with me. it's just my home that is causing me stress.) is rotten.

I'm okay when I'm on the move. We all went o Liam's therapy yesterday. And we did fine. I think the silence and time are my enemies. So maybe I need a babysitter for a while. That's what friends are for, right? Fuck I owe them more than the chopping tool I bought her the other day. :)

Every morning starts with vomit. Vomitting is naturally an anti anxiety type moment so yeah me. Or something.

I've been up 40 minutes and I'm able to sit here and type that's an improvement. Yesterday morning I had to gogogo and we left for therapy, um, an hour and a half early.

I have a rotten cold. Or maybe allergies? The thick thick snot going into my tummy is not helpful.

Did I mention neither is the constant stream of thick snot?

I feel okay right now. I feel almost me! I am SO tired. Like my body is just beat. And my limbs are all weak.

Yesterday I did pretty well. We went to Sam's club and then to our friends and stayed until an ungodly hour (which, in parenting land, is 11pm!) I did fall asleep while there because I rock it like that but still.

I have an appointment with my psych on wednesday. Maybe she'll up my meds. My self help business is helping but not. And, frankly, I don't want to feel this way in the mornings or other times of the day.

I'm playing opptomist this morning. Lets hope I believe it and maintain it.

I'm trying to NOT be overwhelmed with the idea of MUST GO OUT! There's plenty to be done at home. We'll see. If I have to gogogo to avoid this. Okay. We'll work from there.

This is temporary and it passes. We're doing okay. I have people I trust to help me out. These are just uncomfortable sensations and not dangerous and do not cause anything but feeling uncomfortable.

Cod if only I could believe it.

Note: Anxiety? Panic? Suck ass. End note.

~M

pretty fucked up

had to ahve a babysitter for myself yesterday.

today got myself worked up enough to beg josh to stay home (he also took tomorrow off)

have another appointment with my therapist this afternoon.

had to double drug myself yesterday morning and that kept me through okay. i was great last night. i had the best sleep in months.

woke up okay. then contemplated dealing with my day and liam's therapies and the kids alone and it blew up.

took normal dose. then another hour later another pill. fell the hell asleep for a while though i managed to talk to the therapists office while i was in my sleep stage.

got up. dealt with my pissed off cousin because i cancelled this weekend (i am officially not opening any more mail from her) feel very on edge and shakey right now. it's just thr mornings.

here's hoping therapist shas magic answers, good step by step behavior for me to do to stop this, and a way to not get here in the first place.

i have to figure out what is causing it. usually it's so obvious and goes so fast. right now? i'm at a total loss.

~M

When the going gets tough....my husband gets going.

It's no secret I'm in. fucking. sane, right?

Well we all know I love my crazy pills. They've made me a functioning human being again and considering how much I have to do these days that's super great. In addition to the fact that functioning feels much better than weeping and consumed by anxiety.

That's all fine and dandy until I wake up at 1am, go to the bathroom (note: even the jack in the box 99 cent menu does no like my innards) and suddenly am in the throes of the worst panic attack since, um, since I had that horrific flu or food poisoning or whatever and I passed the fuck out and went to the hospital to get rehydrated.

Prior to that one? I haven't had one this bad since just after I had Lily. Because, seriously, these meds work wonders. I realize it's their job and all plus I put in a good bout of effort on my own end but I'm constantly amazed by the greatness of them.

So much so that I started being amazed by ME! A year ago, hell even 6 months ago, I would not have imagined myself gogogoing the way I am now. And ENJOYING it as well. These meds have absolutely saved my ability to BE. I thought perhaps it really WAS all PPD/PPA and not further than that. Considered I might be at a spot we could discuss scaling back those meds because I'm not a fan of meds unless ABSOLUTELY needed.

Guess what kids I need them. Oh yes yes I do.

Last night I was damn hysterical. Complete with vomiting (slick sidenote! throwing up is good for anxiety! it's your body's natural attempt to rid itself of anything that might take energy away from core resources! this is also why shitting while terrified is common! look at that! also! these actions cause your body to CALM as well! you learn something new every day.) and shaking and pacing and twitching and sweating and chanting over and over "i. am. fine....i. am. fine....i. am. fine...."

Meanwhile I woke both kids during this because I NEEDED my husband. There was more than one moment when I told him that if they weren't around I'd have just taken a shitton of my crazy pills to make me go to sleep and if it were too much tough shit but because they exist I will exist too because these people? Are super important and I'm way too selfish to not be around for them.

He somehow got me to sleep around 4am. Got both kids back down. Called into work. And soothed me each time I woke fitfully until 7am when I got up for good. And promptly went back into panic attack mode.

It sucked. It fucking sucked. I got an emergency appointment with my therapist (who I haven't seen since September! holy shit! THAT is how good I've been doing! I figured I had the drugs and the tools I was good!) and we stayed home. He took Liam to feeding therapy when I was finally calm enough to demand they go. He pampered me. He soothed and reassured me.

He took me to therapy and didn't say a word. He came in with me and provided the therapist all kinds of extra insight. He pushed the idea that I needed to see her again regularly. He insisted that all of this was no big deal. We're united nations. We're in this together. All of this.

And I really do believe him. Oh hell have we been having some downs lately. The stresses of life have really caught up with us. Between his overtime, financial shitsville, my fibromyalgia and allergies and kids and life in general? We haven't been in the most positive state of marriage.

Yet things like this remind me why marriage is worth fighting for. Why we are together. When the going gets tough? My husband? He so gets going.

None of the piddly shit matters. When it comes down to it he is what I need and the way I feel safe and the only person who can pull me out of this besides me. Not to mention juggling the kids and not sleeping himself all at the same time. I try not to underestimate him because, generally, he is amazing.

So maybe this horrible hell awful never want to feel it again set of hours? Maybe it was worth it. To remind me just how valuable Josh is. Not that I'd forgotten but at least I can find a silver lining. And Josh so is one.

Now lets pray I get through the night without incident. I could really use a good night's sleep tonight. And am anxious about anxiety (it's a vicious cycle). I'm armed with more tools. I'm determined to not fear fear. And I've got Josh and my babies. I will be okay. But any spare prayers would not be rejected. No indeed.

~M

Let's rename this the "Liam is a fucking rockstar" blog

Dear cod. He's just amazing. We know this but the amazingness level? Gets larger and larger by the minute.

So at Target the other day I got a little barn from the $1 section. Cheapie but fun as he really is into animals lately and loved the big barn at school.

The door broke off it (because, ya know, it's a freaking dollar bin toy. this happens) and he brought it over to me. As usual I ignored him. Not because I'm a bad mama but because we're practicing persistance. He tapped me with the door and I looked at him.

He handed me the door and said "heeeeeehhhh". I looked at him and he repeated it.

I asked him "Do you want HELP?" and he smiled and said "heeeeeeeh!"

I stepped over the gate, put the door on the barn, handed it to him and he did this new high pitched shriek of glee (cod help me let this be a short phase).

We've been working on him asking for help. And recently he's gotten fairly good at handing you something for assistance. We always follow the request up with the phrase "You want HELP!" and do the sign for help.

And tonight he actually used the word help.

I am in awe of this child. I hope this 'help' word sticks because it's my new favorite thing of his ever. (I say that every time. And I mean it every time too!)

And for a bonus...Liam doing his "hmmmmmmm" in the car...



And Lily the silly climbing in the toybox shelf.



What a fabulous end to a weird day (allergies have been kicking my ass hardcore. I thought it was a cold but now I'm pretty sure it's just allergy hell. GAH!)

~M

The boy is hilariously brilliant the girl is hilariously goofy...

Oh dear cod I love my people.

Josh went to the store and Liam was in the bath while Lily roamed the living room and I fluttered between the two.

Miss Lil decided she had to climb the toybox. Nothing new. Except today she decided she had to climb into the shelf portion and hide in there giggling and being a goober. I did get a pic but it's uploading and that takes approximately 400 years these days.

OH I LOVE MY SON! I interrupt this to announce my husband was unloading groceries and Liam saw a box of Kix. He picked it up, gave it to Josh, and said "cereal". Oh fuck I love that child.

Also love him? Because when Josh came home I went to open the door for him and Liam hopped out of the bath and was standing in the bathroom out of the tub. I opened the door and turned around and he'd picked up my towel off the ground and was holding it out and tried to put it over his head.

Cod he cracks me up.

My kidfolk? Make up for everything else in this world. By far.

~M