Another year goes by

In about 25 hours I'll be 27.

Dude. 27 is a VERY grown up age.

I used to think 25 was grown up. Looking back 27 was REALLY grown up. 30 an ADULT and 35? Holy cow that's like...unthinkable.

Of course "old" isn't until you're 70. Good logic, I know.

This last year has certainly been an interesting one in the world of Michelle. As for the last few years it's centered around my kids. Though there was a good week of strictly Michelle centered behavior when I ended up in the hospital dealing with my anxiety.

I've made some amazing friends this year. I've pushed myself to get out of the shell that anxiety hid me in. I've learned more about my children than I ever hoped. I've watched them grow and expand.

I learned all women? Are not useless, obnoxious, back stabbing bitches. Oh, sure, I still think that many of them at total wastes of energy as friends but plenty more? Are really valuable humans and can ENHANCE my life instead of just TAKE from my life.

I've battled my anxiety fiercely this year. Going up to a month without any notable anxiety. Then having a really bad couple of days of attacks complete with barf and shakes. And then bits in between. I need to work harder this coming year on working with my anxiety and finding more time for therapy. I've done better this year than any previous year but still. I need to focus on me.

I've come to terms with my meds. I've stopped fearing them an accepted that, at least for now, they are what I need in my life. But they are not ALL I need in my life to help with this disorder. It was hard deciding to go on meds but I think harder still coming to terms with this anxiety thing? Might not just be a post pardem issue and may be here to stay. And the meds may or may not be here to stay as well and that is OKAY!

I admitted my eating disorders to my mother. Who was entirely shocked and reacted strangely to it still remarking on how she'd never known and continuing to go on about how great I looked during that time. Yes, mother, starving oneself, binging and purging, complete destruction of my body? HOT! But hey! I was a size 6! That's all that really matters! How tiny my waist was! I mean, I wasn't GROSS skinny so it wasnt' REALLY a problem was it?

Oh yes. Yes it was. Still is. Not nearly in the capacity that others battle. Not nearly in the capacity that it was when I was a teenager but damn if I have to actively ignore desires to go back to those issues. Hello. Why don't I eat when I'm stressed? Or do the exact opposite. Notification: Just because I'm a fat ass doesn't mean I don't still battle an eating disorder.

So in the coming year? What do I want out of being 27?

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I have a normal therapy appointment and then my yearly (a year late) appointment with my PCP for my 'female exam' where I will discuss things I want to do.

I want to address my eating issues. My inability to 'diet' and only know how to obsess.

I want to continue going to church. It's funny. I don't think you need to be in a religious structure to have spiritual beliefs. And heaven knows my spiritual beliefs are not traditional in any sense. But they are real and true to me.

I want to continue to explore OTHER faiths and traditions. I really feel we can learn from all religions. Taking aspects from all religions will help me be more rounded and work towards the goal all people hope for...being good.

I want to continue to reach out to those around me. I want to keep fostering these friendships of mine.

I want to continue keeping negative disaster people out of my life even if it's hard and hurtful.

I want to look more into my dad's life. I realize now how little I knew and that I will never know. I try to ask my mother but for hell's sake it was a lifetime ago for her even. I want to try to find out where I can find out more about his service in the Marines. What the real truth was. To be honest my dad was a great liar. However learning my dad was honorably discharged because of a stint in a LOONY loony bin after returning from one of his missions? Makes me wonder if the stories he refused to tell may have had merit. Maybe understand him better.

I want to know my mother better as well. Our relationship is so weird.

I want to start doing more things for my health.

I want to take a look at my fibromyalgia and see what I can do about that and learn how to better balance my "spoons" (will have to post that story at a later time. It's about a gal with lupus but SO applies to FMS) because fibromyalgia in me as a 27 year old mother of two vs a 17 year old kid who just has to give up cheer and viola playing is a big difference.

I want to journal more. take more pictures. Spend more time outdoors. Use more sunscreen. Eat more veggies (at least the ones I like!) I want to get back to more water drinking. More good hair days.

I want to get our money under control. No. We don't make enough. But we have to juggle it better. The stress of it is unbelievable.

i want to look into all the benefits we can qualify for. I want to see about SSI for Liam. Supplemental state medical for the kids. Foodstamps. Whatever. A family of 4 living on this income qualifies EASILY what is the same in accepting the help if it can be approved?

I want to get back to taking care of me. Making girl dates more often. Reconnect with my husband. Focus even MORE on my kiddos.

I want this year to be the best year yet. And that's my gift to myself. Starting tomorrow? I'm giving myself the gift of being the best me I can be for ME. And if everyone else benefits? Fabulous.

But this year? Is the year of me. I think it's time.

~M